You So Nasty

You know that stupid list of ridiculously named sex acts that virtually no one has ever done? It includes things like the Cleveland Steamer, the Hoover, and Donkeypunch? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. You so nasty.

So last night I came up with a couple of new ones that you'll never do. But if you do you're one gross motherfucker (uh, almost literally in one case). The discussion rambled on for some time and nearly caused Tony to kill himself on Dim's broken whiskey bottle. Maybe it was bourbon. But if you missed it, you missed it. Even trying to explain it to latecomers to the conversation created very few chuckles. Life is one big disappointment. But then again, you can always spice it up by trying this shit out...

The Flux Capacitor:
Two dudes are feeling frisky. They want to touch their dicks together, but social mores about hot dude on dude action makes them hesitant. Lucky for them there are no such rules about fucking a girl's trach hole. One guy gets his dick deep into the girl's throat via her mouth while the other guy gets his dick deep into the girl's throat via, um, her throat. When their dicks touch in her throat it's called the Flux Capacitor.

The Mammoth Cave:
This ones pretty simple. Step one: find a chick in labor. Step two: fuck her.

Good luck.

Liberation at it's Worst

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KC and the Bunshine Sand

Last night I had the chance to hold a vinyl copy of Space Cadet, the 1981 album by KC and the Sunshine Band, at the T&A Warehouse. The album was a bit of a flop in its time, but I'd like to give it a second chance for the following reasons:

1) That's an awesome outfit KC is wearing on the back cover. A flight suit with a zipper that runs from left shoulder down to right hip? Far out, space cadet.

2) The song titles themselves make a great bad poem:

Space Cadet, redlight.

I ask myself; you keep hanging on.

Make me a star,

I don't wanna make love;

nothing sadder than a heartache.

What's wrong? Only love...

Holdin' on so long. (punctuation mine)

3) It's really difficult to tell what the name of the album is. There was some confusion at first whether this was actually a KC and the Sunshine Band album, since it just says "KC" on the cover. Turns out that it is, supposedly. Wikpedia offers some backing for this hypothesis by listing the band as KC and the Sunshine Band. It also, however, lists Harry Wayne Casey as the only performer...

But so if KC is the band name, which I think we can pretty much agree on, then what are these other two names? "Space Cadet" and "Solo Flight" are both printed on the cover, but I can only find references to the album as Space Cadet. So what the shit is this Solo Flight thing about? I think that the album isn't really a KC and the Sunshine Band album, but a Harry Wayne Casey (better known as KC) solo record.

What I really wish that I could show you is the back cover. It's fucking beautiful. Unfortunately, I don't have a copy of the album and I didn't have a camera with me last night. Rest assured that next time I visit the T&A Warehouse, I'll take my camera and get proof of Space Cadet/Solo Flight back cover beauty.

It should be noted that, while I think the album should be given a second chance, I never actually listened to it. This is all based on my enjoyment of the packaging and confusion.

Surely You Already Know

Radiohead has a new album coming out Oct 10th. You can buy an awesome discbox that includes a vinyl copy of the album. According to Pitchfork, the US cost for it will be about $80.

You can also purchase a digital download, which will cost you ? money. Apparently Radiohead completely understands what downloading's about, so you can pay them however much you want for the digital version of the album. I mean, come on, you were going to download it for free somewhere else, so why not throw these millionaires a few extra bucks for being so forthright?

Oh, yeah, it's called In Rainbows or something equally homosexual.

But you already knew all of that, didn't you? You're so web savvy. I'm proud of you.

Animal Collective Live

Animal Collective has been one of my favorite bands over the past few years. They recently stopped by KEXP in Seattle to perform "Fireworks," "Leaf House," and "Who Could Win a Rabbit." What makes them so awesome? For one, these live version of the songs are so sonically different from the official releases that if you took out the vocals I'm not sure you'd even recognize them. That's pretty bad ass to me.

Thanks to Kent for sending the link this morning.

http://www.dominorecordco.us/?page=news&artistID=219

Asshole or Genius?

That smug look on his face says, "look, bitch, I'll stick it anywhere I want. That handfarting serenade don't come for free."

And then he takes her to the absolute worst Italian eatery where she cries in the corner because for a minute there she actually thought this guy was the shit.

Damn Yankees

Do you like taking ridiculous quizzes that will give you irrelevant information about yourself?
Then check this out: http://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/yankeetest.html

This test measures your word choices and pronunciations to determine if you're a Yankee or a Rebel. That's the web site's word choice. I wonder what that says about them.

I got "43% Dixie. Barely in Yankeedom."

Which seems fair to me. You can either align yourself with assholes in the northern states that think their cultures are better than those in the South, or you can align yourself with the assholes that vote for undermining the futures of their children by replacing their school curricula with fairy tales and misinformation.

I prefer riding the fence so that I can be any type of asshole that I want to be.

NB, anyone that tells you that there aren't rednecks in NYC is a total jackass.

This is Your Brain on Drugs

What does your brain look like on drugs?

Turns out that it looks kind of pretty.

Check out Brain Place to see how beautiful your chosen chemicals are making your insides look. We're not talking about icky lung polyps here. This is drugs and technology working together to create the art of destruction.

Plus, if you have a mental disorder like ADHD, bipolar disorder, or Alzheimer's, you can finally thank your parents for providing you with something other than that giant nose of yours. You know who I'm talking to, Mr Big Nose, so don't look around the room like I'm talking to someone else.

So Now I'm Rich

I just got a copy of The Minotaur Takes a Cigarette Break that I ordered from Half.com. Seems that someone left her textbook receipt in the book... with all of their credit card info handwritten on it.

That has to be one of the dumbest things ever. Nice handwriting, though.

And there's a note attached that says "could you pretty please steal my identity."

There's also a picture of her tied naked to a tree. She's covered in bees that are wearing leather S&M masks. And there's a rainbow above her that looks like it has the face of Jesus in it. And Satan's making hamburgers for a red-headed Cuban Jew.

Damn, baby. That's some kinky shit. Certainly the excesses of an unbelievably rich skank. How am I to turn down such an offer?

...Except now I'm thinking that this girl, her name's Robynn (y double-n), was probably a lit major, so she probably has about the same amount of money as I. Then again, she could've been slumming. Or maybe she has rich parents and her credit card limit is off the chain.

That's right. Off the chain.

So now I'm rich. But I'm still a cheap bastard, so don't expect anything from me.

What should I do with all this money?

Fun for the Whole Drunken Family

This just in, stolen directly from the pages of Wired: the dream is true, so get ready to live it in your Underoos.

Harmonix, the maker of Guitar Hero and its line of bastard offspring, are preparing to release a full band version of the game, which is aptly and uncreatively named Rock Band, later this year on the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3.

This brings cock rockin' to a whole new level.

The faux-instruments for Rock Band include a drum kit, guitar, and microphone. I'm guessing that you'll be able to play two guitars, but where the fuck's the bass? Some rock stars prefer slapping their way into a groupie's panties.

I have serious doubts about how well the drum kit will withstand a beating. I just can't control myself when I'm playing "Roxanne." Game owners might want to charge their friends a few bucks to sit down at the electric skins.

So, what songs are you crying out to the DJ?

I don't expect to get my hopes up too high. After all, the 80s version of Guitar Hero lacked some of the best hits.

I'm crossing my fingers for "No Sleep Till Brooklyn."

Since I don't have a game system, though, I'm wishing all Aerosmith on you fuckers that do.

The Big Question

You can have sex with any musician you want, but you have to listen to that person's music for 25% of the rest of your life. Who do you want?



The rules:

rule #1- I've decided that 25% means 25% of each day. When first posed the question, I was a little freaked out by the possibility of using the music as a way of determing the moment of my own demise. Math is a bitch.



You can only listen to songs that the musician actually performs on. That means that if you choose Leslie Feist, then you can only claim the Broken Social Scene songs that she acutally plays on. You can't just listen to all of You Fogot it in People a couple times a day. If that's what you want, then I suggest you fuck Kevin Drew.



rule #2- you don't have to screw the present-day artist. Why? Does that sound like cheating? I'm not going to make someone say that they'd fuck a rotten Billie Holiday corpse. Unless that's what you're into. You fluff that corpse, you dirty sum bitch.



rule #3- you get to pick the songs.



My first choice: Kim Gordon.



My secondary list:

Bjork

Feist (super hot, but I don't trust her musical future. Sorry.)

Neko Case

Hot Indie Chick of the Week



Here's the current #1 pick. Who knew?

Bejeezus #9

The latest issue of Bejeezus is out now. If you live in Louisville, then you can pick it up at your local book/record store. You can probably also find it at Cherry Bomb and some cafes. You can most definitely find it at WHY Louisville.


In Indianapolis, you can find it at Indy CD and Vinyl.


Killer.

If for some reason you choose to live in another city, you can always order it online. Shipping is included in the price! Holy Shit!

Get it quick if you want the limited edition that comes with a free CD featuring Kentucky Prophet, Sapat, One Small Step, the Slow Break, et c.

This is the first full-color issue, so everyone's losing their minds over it's amazing trippiness.

The excitement is spilling over to the Rud on Oct 6th. It's going to cost you five bucks, but you'll get to see the Kentucky Prophet yell things like 'vagina!' Maybe we'll all get lucky and he'll show off that beautiful voice of his.

Oh, yeah, One Small Step and the Slow Break will also be rocking the house in their own fashions.

Maybe they'll also yell 'vagina!' or something similarly anatomical.

Cross your fingers.

Best American Essays

The new Best American Essays comes out October 10th. I just found out who the editor for this year's edition is: David Foster Wallace.

So, yeah, I can hardly wait.

Poker Without Cards

John Darko recently told me about an online version of Poker Without Cards at Greylodge. He's drawn to the book for its viral marketing techniques, which seems appropriate to me: viral marketing for a book with lots of information about memetics.

I wouldn't say that PWC is a very good book; I can't imagine that it took more than a month to write. It also isn't very original (at least it's not if you've read the books that PWC draws from.) It's lack of originality makes it a very useful book, though, if you're looking for a booklist by someone that's obviously done his homework.

When I first started reading PWC I was most struck by Burrough's influence. His ideas are all over it. A lot of PWC is also about the ideas in the Illuminatus! Trilogy. The Illuimintus! Trilogyoffers little explanation for its events and ideas. It's more of an experience that can teach people to think differently if they're willing to go through the whole text. PWC is more of an explanation of the ideas that are in Illuminatus!.

If you're interested in some of the discussion Darko and I had about PWC, read on.

Sept 16:
mt says: "This shit is filled with Burroughs."

Sept 18:
mt says: "Yeah, it's not that whoriginal... but that kind of depends on what you've read before. I'm sure that most people, even people that read a lot, would check out PWC and think that it was a bunch of whackass shit. But it's pretty spot on to me.

I can't say that I think PWC is a really good book, but it does explain some concepts that are more illusive in their original contexts. Illuminatus! 3ology is more of an experience than an explanation. PWC is more of an explanation than an experience. "

Dark is mostly interested in Mack's use of viral marketing to get PWC out there. We had some discussions about it, which lead me to think this...

Sept 19:
Darko says:
"I agree with your assessment and comparison to illuminatus. The maininterest that I have with regard to this book/e-book is the light issheds on do it yourself viral marketing. I came to the book through achain of info/disinfo which played on the multiplicity of the author'sidentity. The marketing insights contained within the book areuseless to anyone who does not already have some idea of what s/hewants to market. Interesting just how much of a splash you can makejust by repackaging existing data, though. The book is magic. Itemploys illusion to illustrate the illusion of everything else.Illuminatus is the bible for motherfuckers, though."

Sept 20:
mt says:
"In Franzen's How to be Alone he writes about a sociologist that was doing research on readers. She was catgorizing them into different groups and found that one group (I think she called them Reluctant Readers, but it's been a few years since I read it so I could be wrong about that) had a higher propensity for becoming writers. These are people that read a lot when they were younger but didn't really have many people to share their books with. She hypothesizes that these readers often become writers because they are trying to communicate with their social group, which is essentially made up of books. PWC seems like a good example of a book that might have been written by a reluctant reader. You can hear the writer going "hey, guys, have you read this? What about his idea, did you hear about this? If you've seen this and this, then maybe you should check this out too."

I find that when I go to parties and someone's talking about books that I and the other person often find out that we've never even heard of some of the books that other person loves. They just aren't in our social group. And it's not that these books aren't well known. I can be saying to someone "why don't you know about Wallace? He got a friggin' MacArthur Grant." And then they'll be saying "Why don't you know about X? She won a friggin' Pushcart." We have different writers in our social circles.

It seems like this makes PWC even more conducive to viral marketing. People that are into stuff like Illuminatus! Trilogy! and Fullminster and Kuhn and memetics and whatnot don't have a whole lot of people in their lives that spend a lot of time with the same things. That's why we get excited when we meet other people that have read them. So PWC is like meeting a guy that's read all of the same books that you have, plus most of the ones that you haven't gotten around to yet. And everyone that's involved in that social circle goes kind of ga-ga for it because it's like the cool new guy in school. Everyone wants to be seen with him and tell stories about them. At its core, a lot of viral marketing seems to work like gossip."